Why me? #8
We brought Kaila home that week. Her broviac catheder needed to be flushed twice daily with heparin and saline to keep the line open until her next check up to assure she was gaining weight on her own.
The charge nurse gave me viles of heparin and a large bottle of saline to last the week until we returned. When arriving home again it was the same routine. But I didnt know how to go about reliving my life. I first wanted to make Keone feel special and we went to the mall to be a normal kid again. We got him a video game and new shoes.
The next morning I was taking care of Kaila: sponge bath, ileostomy, g tube, diapers, bottles ready, clothes washed. Check, check, check!
Keone was playing his new Nintendo game with his cousin and being a typical boy. He was such a mature soul, he amazed me. To me he was my little man and took care of me more than he realized. For the first 4 years of his life he was my everything. Surprisingly, he was more to me than a typical boy, born out of wedlock, born unexpectedly, he was a gift and God assured me my first responsibilty was that he knew Him. It was the beginning, the beginning of many things and my conversations with God.
Being pregnant my senior year in high school was never a plan for me. But it was God’s plan. Earlier that year I had met Miles McPherson who was a former Charger and a Youth Pastor at Horizon Christian Fellowship. Little did I know what impact he would have in my life and still to this day.
I had attended Horizon with my step-sisters. My step-sister gave me my first bible and that summer I accepted Jesus in my heart.
That summer I didn’t go out much with friends, only to the beach, the mall and work. I stayed home a lot, spent time with family and attended my brothers Football games. I enjoyed things like Home expos at the Del mar fair, and volunteering at the snack bar with my mom. I was no longer lost but gave my family a second chance. The way God gave me.
Bible studies at Miles house one night, then bible studies at my friends house another night, church on Sunday, reading the bible which used to be foreign to me now suddenly some what making sense. But things quickly started becoming weird too. “Following Me you must also expect great sacrifice”
At night was the worst, dark shadows often awoke me. Locked in my sleep, I felt shackled to my bed. No windows open, no fans on, suddenly my hair was blowing. I could feel my hair moving. Wind blowing across my face. I could hear the air pass against my ears. In a deep sleep I was slowly becoming aware I wasn’t dreaming. I felt someones lips kiss mine. I jerked but didn’t move. Then clear as day a demonic laugh followed. The voice was so deep, I couldn’t open my eyes. I couldn’t move. Inside I was screaming! “Jesus save me! Help me! Please” then the sun rose, and so did I.
I described to my sister what was happening. She told me to “rebuke them”. I wouldn’t dare tell my mom. She would laugh. She said spirits were trying to scare me now from being saved.
It wasn’t getting better. I became more in tune with “things”. I often turned my light on and opened my bible when it got bad. “Please Lord make it stop”. I was becoming aware of real friends and God revealed that to me.
Then I met Keone’s father. Becoming pregnant was something unexpected, unplanned, or was it? Miles was there for my pregnancy test at Horizon. He was very direct, “You are going to have this baby, and you need to get married”. I didn’t want to marry Keone’s father. He was on and off drugs. Our relationship was a roller coaster. But he was my first boyfriend and I was insecure. Miles saw something in Keone’s father, I never wanted to tell him all the things he did to me. Miles had a way of making me feel guilty unintentionally, but I knew he was trying to help. He was so regal, and I was young and immature. But like me, Keone’s father had him wrapped around his manipulative words. He told Miles he loved me and he wanted to be there for me, take care of me…blah! In my head I was screaming “Lies!!!” “A twisted tongue will not go very far”
My mother hated him, she tried to force me to have an abortion. “You are making a huge mistake and you are ruining your life!” It may have worked just a year earlier, but God was in my heart now, there was no choice. It wasn’t my choice to make.
Keone’s father continued to faulter. He couldn’t keep a job. He was caught sleeping in the janitor room. Miles got him a job at Horizon, he was caught sleeping in a ditch. Without drugs he was a nightmare, with drugs he was a walking nightmare. His parents sent him to rehab when I was 6 months pregnant. Wasted time and money.
I was doing well at my job straight out of high school making $18 per hour wasn’t bad for out of high school. I was able to get a car. My mom made me feel guilty for never being home. I was trying to please everyone. Keone’s dad, his grandparents, my family, his family, my grandparents.
He took advantage of my weaknesses. Used the bible against me. His mother even warned me, “I don’t recommend my son to you, he is very agressive” She couldn’t have been more right. I wish to God I had listened.
The first few months were hard, I woke up, ate breakfast, threw up, looked for the baggiest clothes I could find and went to school a big schlep. I was a mess. A hot lazy sick mess. I was pale as a ghost. My beach days were seldom these days. Keone’s father took me away from things that made me happy.
For the last 6 months I endured the judgement as expected: staring eyes, gossip, being called a slut, a whore, stupid, crazy, fat, among other things. My mom wanted me to suffer and wouldn’t allow me to be bussed to a school for pregnant teens. She told me I needed to suffer.
An ex-boyfriend called me as he couldn’t understand why I was keeping this baby. I just told him things were different now. I regretted for that moment leaving him for Keone’s father. He wasn’t ready to commit to me. But now I see it, he was more ready than I realized, we were just too scared to say it. He whispered he loved me once. He was the first, the first to say I love you. The first for everything. But he was also the first to break my heart.
Keone’s father “said” he wanted to be with me “said” he loved me. But it was all lies. I was starting to become angry. Angry at his lies, his irresponsibility, his disregard for Keone’s future, how he pulled me in, hung me from a cliff, then dropped me over and over again. In the meantime, friends would tell me of other girls he was sleeping with. He was slowly pulling me away from who I was. Prior to him, I was becoming close to God. Now I was becoming consumed by him and his anger became a part of me. The more I thought of his ways, the easier it was for me to forget him, and to sever my ties with him.