Why me? #9
I was a week past my due date, I got off late from work that night. Co-workers thought I was crazy for working past my due date. Keone just didn’t want to come out.
I was used to being called crazy at this point. My parents doubted me, and said I wouldn’t finish school, they said I would be like my sister and drop out. When she said that I gasped inside. My mom had no shame for what she did. She blamed my sister for things. I hated that and she knew it. She dug in deep like a knife stabbing. She couldn’t see how badly I was hurting. She was clueless. I was angry at my mom for moving my sister against her will to live with my Aunt. I will never forget that day.
I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life at that time. It was like a part of me was gone. I got a message at school to go to the office. Once there I got a message to call home. My mom told me she took Lani out of school and was sending her away to Santa Clara to live with my Aunt.
My mom had packed her things, took her out of school and took her to the airport. All behind our backs. I was in the middle of my day at school and I couldn’t stop the tears. Who does this? My sister got on the phone and we cried together. I will never forget that….my first experience of having my heart ripped out from me.
I had wished my mom got me out of school that day, I may have been able to talk her out of it….well, probably not. My mom was very self-righteous and was never wrong. My sisters destiny may have been different, and possibly mine too. I blame that very day for changing my sisters life forever. I blame my mom for never being able to say sorry. Both were out of my control.
I stayed away from home as long as I could at a friends house. I walked home in the dark. I was only 12. I think about it now how wreckless that was and how my mom wasn’t sending a search party out for me. It was then things changed for me.
After a semester, my sister was in the middle of my family’s battle over my grandparents care and she moved back to San Diego to stay with her boyfriend. I was so happy she was back. But I was still angry with my mom for what she did. She destroyed our family, gave up on my sister and didn’t care how it affected me. She said “It has nothing to do with you!” It was “only” my family, but yes nothing to do with me. I had never been so angry and felt helpless.
I began to rebel, I felt empty. I experimented with drugs. I lost my virginity. I had no regard for myself. I was hurting inside. I ditched school all the time. I would get into fights and not fight back. I chose the wrong friends. I let guys use me. I broke the nice guys hearts. I got pregnant. I had an abortion.
My sister took me and stayed by my side. I was more comforted by her than anyone else. I cried the whole time. My sister was someone I could tell anything to. How I had wished my mom never did what she did to her. We grew closer from it. I couldn’t tell my mom. I looked up to my sister even though she was struggling, I blamed my mom for that. She was only 16, she had so much strength and independence, but it was too much for my mom to handle.
I knew it was wrong. I didnt care. I knew I would regret it. I didnt care. I ditched every day. I got high. I did crystal meth. I tried acid. I didn’t care. I tried to erase what I was feeling. I felt ugly inside. I started to develop psoriasis from anxiety. I hid under my clothes. Guys would tell me I was beautiful. My friends told me I was beautiful “Yeah right”. I thought and felt the opposite. I had no purpose. My mom grounded me. I would sneak out at night. She would ground me again. I would sneak out again. My mom took me away from my favorite sport, gymnastics. My friends. And now my sister. For 2 years I continued this behavior.
I dreamed of being a kid again with my grandma, my great grandparents, brother and my sister in Hawaii. Staying at my grandma’s and great grandparents house in Kapahulu. Taking swimming lessons all summer, walking to the store to get an icee and it would be gone by the time we got home. Going to Waikiki beach, Alamoana shopping center. Getting fresh manapua from the chinese bakery. Chasing my 3 mini doberman pinchers around. This was my happy place.
My innocence was gone. Happiness was not a part of my life anymore.