Why me? Part 6
I was guided again to pre-op. This time it was almost 10pm. There was an uncomfortable but necessary rush to get Kaila prepped. I gasped when I realized, Kaila was starting to feel cold, she hasn’t eaten all day, the nurse assured me she was going to be fine.
I couldn’t let fear overcome me. Again, I kissed her hands, her feet and took a deep breath as I kissed her forehead, a tear fell, whether I wanted it to or not. Again, they took her away. This time they hurried. The double doors closed and I stood paralyzed for minutes. My pager started to go off. It was from home.
It was Kaila’s dad. He was at home. He should’ve been there at the hospital. “Its going to be hours before you know anything, why do you need me there?” Typical. I wanted to forget him. I hung up.
Just stuffing it inside. My pager kept going off with codes. One of which was 5000 meaning he was coming. I was tired of wasting any of my thoughts with his issues. Everything was closed. It was almost midnight now. I walked out to my car to get some rest finally. I dozed off, and was awakened by a car parking next to me. It was Kaila’s father. I wished for my anger toward him to go away, no more wasting time and energy. Numb. I wanted to be numb. Strong, stubborn and strong.
After an hour, I couldnt even stand to be next to him in a parked car. I got out and started to walk off. He rolled his window down, and called out “Hey how is Kaila?”
“WHAT?” I turned around. He then rolled his window back up and laid back like he was going “back to sleep”. He knew it was coming. Here came my anger that only he could bring out of me.
I banged on his window. “Open this window you fucking coward” God forgive me. “You want to know how Kaila is? Roll down this fucking window and I will show you how Kaila is. You pathetic fucking coward! How was your Aztec game by the way? Was it worth it? Huh? So if your daughter dies on the table I will be sure to tell her you were too busy hanging out with your friends and didn’t want to be here!!! Roll down the window!”
I couldn’t control it. Post partum. Lack of sleep. Emotional stress. Physical stress, Lack of food. Being away from Keone. Anger flowed out of me, as he taught me for the last 5 years all too well. As my mother taught me to bottle things in, I was conquering both of them that night. Amongst the madness, I never felt so free from him. My heart was no longer in pain from him. Only anger existed. Then I calmed down but was firm. It made me sad I didn’t regret a word, as I treated him the way he treated me.
“Congratulations, you are now free to go. I am done and I want a divorce”
He looked at me finally through his window. I felt a glimmer of guilt in his drug filled eyes, but I felt no sympathy.
I walked away back to the waiting room.
3 hours had passed. The surgery room called in to assure me things were going well. Which to me meant it was going to take longer. I was so sleep deprived that I was a walking mess. Kaila’s dad walked in. The sight of him made me sick. I left the room, he tried to stop me and ask me about Kaila. I said sternly “Go ask yourself since you’re so smart”
Go away! Just go away! Leave me alone! I want you out of my life. Kaila deserves better. I don’t need you. I don’t want you anymore. Any hurtful thing I could think of just to get him away from me. He knew his mistake was irreversible.
The sun started to rise and finally an answer. Dr. Downey entered and stumbled slightly when seeing Kaila’s father there. He glanced at me, its not rocket science to see I had been crying. Dr. Downey looked as worn down as me, his scrubs were slightly wet from his sweat. It was almost 6am.
“Mrs. Madrid…uh…Mr. Madrid, well we were able to test her bowel repeatedly to assure anything infected would not be missed. I am glad you didn’t wait any longer to bring her. Her bowel was so distended and backed up to the size of a large adult bowel.” He was breathing heavily, I felt so bad he worked a straight 8 hours to save her.
“So how long does she need to stay?” Kaila’s father asked.
Dr. Downey turned to him, almost protecting me, “Well, we need to focus on her healing first before we can decide any length of stay, I don’t know if you were aware Mr Madrid, if Mrs. Madrid waited any longer Kaila may not be here at all.”
He bit his lip, he knew the doctor was targeting his absence earlier. I cried. But needed to know…
“So what did you find Dr? Is she ok??”
“Yes she’s recovering now. Her bowel was obstructed all the way up to mid-ileum which is her large intestine. We had to remove all of her colon, so the likelihood of reversal is not a good option at this point. She will have an ileostomy for a good portion of her life. We kept the g tube because she will need to rest her gut and its crucial in cases such as this thst we have that option to feed her. She also has a broviac catheder so we can feed her what we call TPN which is Total Parental Nutrition.”
“What is a broviac?” I asked.
“Well, chemo patients use this also, its like an IV in the chest so we can give her all the nutrition she needs while her gut rests.”
“So she will be getting TPN only? Can I see her soon?”
“Yes, TPN will be temporary and actually she will be transferring back to the PICU initially as it was a pretty serious surgery for a 1 month old. Its important she has 24 hour care and observation until she is more stable.”
I had only had 2 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. Again I felt robbed by him. I wanted it to stop. I dreamed of me and the kids being happy. He was not in that dream. “You have forgotten Me, foolish words only provoke foolish things”